The Why of It
I've been thinking a lot about why I write this blog.
The essence of it is this:
When I lived alone and wasn't
diagnosed with ADHD yet, I would have these weekend mornings where I'd
wake up in a flurry of thinking. I was SO in my head that I basically
didn't, well, kinda realize that the world was there, and that I was in
it. When I would notice that I was sitting in bed thinking I'd try to
come up with what to do that day, to get me out of bed, and what would
happen is go through my day, my to do list; I kind of imagine I was
visualizing things the way you're supposed to if you want to reach some
goal, except that this kind of intention or energy wasn't behind it; I
didn't MEAN to visualize going to do some mind-numbing list of errands,
I'd just do it in my head. And on the one hand, once I had done it in
my head, the task became too boring to BE ABLE to actually do. And on
the other hand (or at the same time), while I was doing stuff in my
head, I would forget over and over again that I was still sitting in
bed. This was exhausting.
When people hear "can't get out of bed" they pin it on depression, and
I was in fact diagnosed with depression – but that was without enough
information, i.e., that I actually have ADHD, predominantly inattentive
type. No, what I was having wasn't run of the mill depression and I
think that diagnosis was just confusion- because the only reason I
"couldn't get out of bed" was that I couldn't get out of my head and
into the world. If someone were to call me and ask me to meet them
somewhere I could pop right out and get going.
I think the fact that I didn't know what was going on made it way, way
worse. And very isolating and lonely. And people meant to help (such as therapists) were not so helpful.
is this kind of experience that I want to shed light on. It is so
crippling and so huge. And I have an inkling that I'm not the only one.